Two Holes

Relationships are tricky. They also take a lot of work if you want them to be healthy and sustainable. Relationships with the opposite sex are, in my opinion, the trickiest.  This is due to the fact that men and women are so different.  Society tells us that in book titles like, “Men are Venus, Women are From Mars”, “Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps”, and “Men are Like Waffles and Women are Like Spaghetti”.  It is like we are from opposite planets and we each have different things we know how to do and what we do not know how to do and one of us is a breakfast item and the other an Italian dinner. At times it is quite comical for sure. These difference, unfortunately, cause quite a few issues when it comes to communication. How do spaghetti and waffles talk to each other? How will the other person ever understand me when they are from a different planet and speak a different language?

I learned about the two holes analogy from my own couple’s therapist. He was helping my husband to understand me and, frankly, all women, a little bit better.  Imagine you have two holes in the ground and you and your spouse have each fallen into separate holes. The holes are exactly the same, you are just each in your own hole. The man looks around his hole and immediately figures out how to get out of the hole and then gets himself out.  He goes over to the woman’s hole and reaches in to help her out and she pulls him in with her.  Obviously the man is very confused.  The woman starts talking about how she feels being in the hole.  She discusses what the hole looks like and her emotions.  When she is done doing that she gets herself out of the hole.  The man, still very confused, gets out as well, scratches his head and wonders what just happened.

There are four ways we think: emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally.  Men tend to think physically and mentally.  They see a problem, they think about how to fix it and then they fix it.  This is what the man in the hole did.  He figured out a way to get himself out of the hole and then got himself out.  He then went to solve the woman’s problem of being in the hole by trying to pull her out.  Women, on the other hand, tend to think more emotionally and spiritually.  They want to talk about how they feel in the situation and what they are experience.  This is what the woman was doing while she was in her hole.  For her it was not all about getting out.  Let me tell you, she knew how to get out.  She figured that our pretty easily.  What she needed, though, was for the man to be in the hole with her and experience the hole and the feelings with her.  This is what women would like to have in their relationships.  They want a man to to not just come into a situation and fix it, but to to stop and and listen to what she is experiencing and what she is feeling. Then she will be ready to get out of the hole.

This is how to build a healthier relationship and connection with the opposite sex.  Men need to be willing to jump down into the hole with the women.  She is not pulling you down into the hole to make you miserable with her.  She is pulling you down into the hole to draw you closer to her because that is how she experiences true connection.  She wants you to know how she is feeling and validate those feelings. Then she will be ready for you to use your mind and your muscles to come in and fix it.

References

Farrel, B., & Farrel, P. (2017). Men are like Waffles--Women are like spaghetti: Understanding and Delighting in Your Differences. Harvest House Publishers.

Gray, J. (1992). Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. https://e-library.poltekbangsby.ac.id/index.php?p=show_detail&id=3996

Pease, B., & Pease, A. (1999). Why men don’t listen & women can’t read maps : how we’re different and what to do about it. https://ci.nii.ac.jp/ncid/BA83996078

Perpective

I believe that living a life well lived is all about our perspective.  Our perspective can make or break us. It can build up our relationships or it can tear them down. It can give us frown lines or laugh lines. Perspective is huge. It is how we mentally view something or someone. It is how we see it and how we see it affects how we take it in internally and process it and digest it and react to it. If we see something with a negative perspective then we take it in negatively, process it negatively and digest it negatively. If we, however, see with a positive perspective then we take it in, process it and digest it all positively.

One can see a great example of perspective in the story of Joseph in the book of Genesis in the Bible. Joseph was the most loved son of his father, Jacob. This made all of his brothers jealous and angry and they hated Joseph. The brothers came up with a plan to take Joseph out into the dessert and kill him. When they got to the place where they were going to kill him some some Ishmaelites came riding by on their camels and they bought Joseph and he became a slave. He was taken to Egypt and because of his positive work ethic became one of the top stewards for Potiphar, a man of high power in Egypt. Due to unforeseen circumstances he ended up jail for years. Everyone in jail loved him because he was kind and helpful and could interpret dreams. His skills in dream interpretation caught the eye of Pharaoh and he was released from jail and helped Egypt survive years of famine. Joseph saved the day and the people of Egypt!

Now Joseph could have been a very bitter man and sought revenge on his brother for selling I into slavery. Yet, he chose to have a positive perspective on the whole situation. Joseph uses the phrase when talking to his brothers who had wanted to kill him but ended up selling him into slavery. “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” (Genesis 5:20) Joseph could have very easily, and rightfully so, just been pissed as his brothers for what they did to him. Instead he changed his perspective from poor me to the perspective of look at the great things God did with this situation. He had a positive perspective. His positive perspective helped him to reconcile his relationships with his brothers.

We can choose to look out an airplane window and think about cashing below or

we can change our perspective to something positive and see the beauty of creation below.

To All the High School Seniors

High School Seniors, I see you, I hear you. I just want to tell you all how sorry I am that what is supposed to be one of the best times of your lives has turned into this. You are now trapped, stuck, stranded, sidelined at home. You are away from your friends, not able to go to the last of the school events. No basketball or baseball games, prom has been cancelled, late night runs for coffee, conversation, and shenanigans have come to a halt and the talk of not getting to walk the stage at graduation is becoming more of a reality as each day passes. 
Some may tell you that these are silly things to be upset about in times like these. They are wrong. These are true losses for you all and I want you to know that your feelings are totally valid. It is so important for you to feel all the feels right now. Don’t think you have to shove them down or put them aside because there’s “more important” stuff going on around you right now. Take the time and the space that you need to identify and process through your feelings. And most importantly take the time to mourn all the losses you are going through right now. 
Once you have done all of that then get up and start looking for the good. It’s there, trust me. Look for the hope in all of this. Stay connected with your friends through social media and texts and FaceTime calls. Plan events for the future that you can all do together to celebrate the end of your high school years together. Instead of “cancelled” think “postponed”. Yes, you may have to do the work to plan the prom at your own house in July but that’s okay, it still gives you and your friends the opportunity to get dressed and up and have fun. You may have to watch You-Tube videos of how to build a stage during your time in quarantine so that you can build one later and have your own graduation ceremony. No, it’s not how you thought it would look or maybe even how you want it to look but it’s something. It’s the good, it’s the hope, it’s the future. God says He knows the plans He has for us, to give us hope and a future. God doesn’t lie. He keeps His promises. That’s a fact. That’s good. That’s hope. 
Be sad and mourn and sit in it

But God.......

The world has always been a crazy place but now more then ever we are seeing just how crazy it is. I’ve talked to so many people in the last few days who have fear and anxiety. Fear that they might catch Covid-19. Anxious about being stuck at home with all their kids for who knows how long. Fear that they might run out of food and then what. Anxious about not being able to work and having the money needed to live. We are all feeling it. This is a new place to be for each and every one of us. Uncharted waters. 
Yesterday as I was navigating through this with a friend the words “But God” came to the forefront of my mind. Immediately I was reminding of the Psalms and how the Psalmist used it- Psalm 73:26, “My flesh and my heart may fail, BUT GOD is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” In Genesis Joseph uses the phrase when talking to his brothers who had sold him into slavery and hoped he’d die- Genesis 50:20, “You intended to harm me, BUT GOD intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Almost every single time “but God” is written in the Bible it is linking bad to good. It’s the bridge that links fear to faith and anxiety to peace and hopelessness to hope. But God! It’s our link to the these things as well. “I may run out of food while we are in quarantine, BUT GOD will provide all my needs just as He said He would. I don’t know what that provision looks like now, BUT GOD already has a plan and I can trust that.” “I’m probably not going to have enough money to pay my bills because I’m not working right now, BUT GOD will make a way and take care of us.” “I’m so afraid that I’m going to catch this virus, BUT GOD will be with me and His good and perfect will will be done.” “I can’t handle being trapped at home with these kids for three weeks or more, BUT GOD will sustain me and get me through each day, one day at a time. His mercies are new each day and now more than ever that’s a truth I need to remember. “ 
Finish your sentences, my friends, with the words that bridge your fears and anxieties to His hope and peace. Don’t believe the lies that enemy wants you to drown in. Grab the hope

Sometimes Reality Bites

This is reality. I’m sitting outside, watching my son swim, trying to enjoy a glass of wine and the nice weather while crying because our few days of calm are over. I got my hopes up again. I hung my hat on the thought that this time what we are doing is actually going to work for the long run. Tears fall. My heart aches. My soul starts spinning back into that black whole that I was just pulling it out from. But I’m exhausted, God. Please, can I just get a month of good to recoup before the crazy starts again? Please, God! This seems to be my daily plea. My flesh wants to run away and never look back. My mind is so beyond exhausted that it takes everything in me to attempt to form a complete sentence to the doctors and then remember the answers. My heart aches in ways I never knew a heart could ache. My body, oh my poor body, it feels like it’s stuck in a perpetual war zone. Always on guard. Always hyper vigilant. Aching from the constant running into battle, the shoulders that are stuck up in my ears because they can’t remember what it’s like to just relax. Where’s my armor? Wait. I’m looking for the wrong armor. I’m preparing for the wrong battle. This is not a battle against flesh and blood. This is a battle against the dark one. The enemy is near! He is trying so hard to tear me down in my time of turmoil. I’m letting him win. I’m practically throwing my arms in the air in surrender! No, God! I must fight. Bring me my armor! I put on my belt of truth reminding myself that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength! I pull over my head and onto my chest the breastplate of righteousness which tells me that I am made whole in Christ! I bend down and buckle my sandals of the gospel of peace as I turn all of my anxiety over to God and replace it with His peace that surpasses all understanding. I pick up my shield of faith and hold it high as I rebuke Satan and his attempts to tear me down. I gentle place the helmet of salvation on my head and declare loudly that I am a child of God. Lastly, the sword of the Spirit is placed within my hands and I am instantly reminded of all of God’s truth

Ouch!

“Do not pay attention to every word that is spoken, or you may hear your servant cursing you. For you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others.”
Ecclesiastes 7:21-22

Ouch! This verse stings a little doesn’t it? We are always focused on the first part of this verse in our lives. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” We think about the mean things people have said against us and work on moving on from those things. But do we ever stop and think about the things we have said against others? So we think about how our words have hurt someone else and now they are trying to work through that hurt? Let’s turn the mirror around today, friends, and take a good hard look at ourselves and the words that we allow out of our mouths.

This is the Day!

“This is the Day the Lord Has Made!”

“This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24

Recently, while going through a rough week, God put this verse on my heart. I literally woke up every morning and this verse would be the first thing on my mind. It was hard for me to rejoice but I knew that’s what God wanted me to do. So I had a choice to make....stay in the slump of stress that I was in or remind myself that God had made this day and I can rejoice in it. I knew that I didn’t have it in me to rejoice but that with Him I could rejoice. I couldn’t find this joy on my own but if I sought His help I would find it. And you know what, each of those days that I chose to rejoice, I found the joy! Sometimes it was in a hug from my son or something funny my daughter did or watching a show with my other daughter or a call from my husband midday. That joy came in various forms, some big and some so small that if I wasn’t seeking joy I would have missed them. God made this day that we are in right now and I choose to rejoice in it. So what will you choose to do?

The Grandest Mal of Them All- Part 2

During the 20 minute ambulance drive over to Fremont the EMT kept checking her vitals.  Her heart rate was now up to 155 so he put in an IV and started her on fluids hoping that getting her hydrated would lower it.  Her temp had also gone up to 100.9.  I just sat there and held her hand and talked to God.   “Well, God, I did just tell you on the drive over here today that I release my kids to You.  Is this what You were preparing me for?  It’s okay God.  If this is Your time to take her, I understand.  She is Yours and You know best.  I know You are for my good, Lord.  I know that You will walk me through this just as You have walked me through horrible things before.  I trust You.”  I felt a peace that was so indescribable.  I felt God sitting there beside me with His arms wrapped tightly around me.  It was okay and no matter what happened it was going to continue to be okay.

Now, please don’t go assuming I’m some super spiritual, amazing, completely God-focused super being.  I am not.  Oh, I wish I was/were like that all the time, but I fail miserably ever single stinking day.  But on that day, God had used my failing earlier in the car as I was thinking I had control over my children’s lives to prepare me for this moment.  He had brought me to a place, on highway 99 earlier that day, of relinquishing my children to Him so that later that day on interstate 880 I could be calm and know that no matter what happened He knew what was best.  I didn’t have to sit in the back of that ambulance and waste time wrestling with God.  I had already done that wrestling earlier, so all I had to do in the back of that ambulance was hold my sweet daughter’s hand and rest in the assurance of Christ.

We got to the hospital just after 11:00.  They wheeled her into an ER room while I gave the Dr the same run down I had given the first responders less then an hour ago.  He ordered all the tests and over the next 45 minutes we had a constant turn around of people coming in and out doing tests, asking questions and a million other things that were unpleasant for this adult child of ours to have to endure.  Just before midnight they came in to do the blood draw.  They asked all the identifying questions... first and last name, birthdate.  As I said her birthdate out loud I realized that within minutes it would be her special day and she would be 20.  She had been completely out since the anti-seizing meds had  kicked in.  I informed the tech that it was just about her birthday and he was, unfortunately, giving her her first present which was a blood draw.  He felt bad.  Especially because he then couldn’t get a vein and had to keep sticking her.  She was starting to become restless because, even though she was unconscious, she could still feel the pain, so a nurse had to come in and help hold her down so he could do the draw.  I just kept whispering in her ear what a great job she was doing and that it was almost over and praying that it really was almost over.  The nurse complained about having a bad back and how she was hurting standing like she was so I had to jump in and help hold my daughter down.  As the clock struck midnight and the tech finally got a good vein, while I and a nurse used all our might to hold Gillian down, I leaned over and quietly sang “happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to Gilly, happy birthday to you.”  Not the birthday we were planning and yet here we were, in the ER, not together as a family (Howie and the kids were getting the room packed up and headed our way), not in a hotel room, not going to The Boardwalk.  

Howie arrived at the hospital and came back and sat with Gillian while I went out to hug and check on the other two kids.  Gillian was still out of it when I left her room and we were still waiting on all the test results.  It was good to just sit in the waiting room and hold my kids.  Nolan was pretty clueless as to what had just happened and was excited to be up in the middle of the night at a hospital.  Lol.  Emma is a slow processor like me so we were just happy to sit there together and talk about pointless stuff for awhile,  I knew that sometime in the next week she and I would talk through all that happened and how we felt and how we were dealing with it.  

Howie kept texting me updates as the test results came in.  The kids and I walked out to the car where all the snacks we had bought for the trip were stashed and had ourselves a midnight snack at 1:00 a.m.  That part was fun!  At 2:00 Howie texted and said all tests were back and they were going to discharge her soon so I headed back to the room.  She was awake now and had a little smile on her face when I got back there.  My mama’s heart did a little happy dance.  All tests had come back normal except her blood sugar which was high so they were running more tests for diabetes but those would take a few days to get results for.  No need for us to wait around the hospital as all her vitals were back to normal and she was perking up.  At 2:00 a.m. we were in the car ready for our hour and a half journey home.  This is when we realized that Nolan, Howie and I had all now been up for 22 hours straight!  That’s when it hit me how tired I really was.  I told Howie that if he would drive home I would stay awake and keep him company.  I figured he would actually enjoy the commute home this time as there would be no traffic.  Normally it takes him over two hours to get home because of commuter traffic.  Well we encountered road work and got stuck in gantry traffic and it took us Ivey two hours to get home. Geesh.

We pulled into the driveway just before 4:30 a.m,  Howie and I had now been up for over 24 hours.  We got every one in bed and then crashed out ourselves.  Everyone woke up at about 11:00 a.m. Gillian was wiped out and spent her birthday laying on the couch.  About an hour after she woke up she started throwing up and continued to do so the rest of the day into the next day, Sunday.  She couldn’t keep anything down, had lost control of her bladder functions and was completely lethargic.  She was also mixing her words up which was really scary.  It reminded me of my dad after he had had his stroke.  We also keep an eye out for regression after a grand mal.  There’s always a little something but she usually gains the skill back within a week or less.  But we were seeing a few things that were concerning so we just decided we would keep a close eye on her for now.  Fortunately over the course of the day her speech returned to normal. 

      The on-call doctor emailed me on Sunday letting us know that her king X-ray had come back with some inflammation and if we noticed her having trouble breathing or coughing a lot to take her back to the ER.  Well we weren’t seeing any of  that but we did have other concerns.   We called the advice nurse who asked a million questions and then got an ear full on what had been going on over the past 48 hours.  She consulted the on call doctor who told us we needed to take Gillian back to the ER.  At least this time we were in our town and we knew what ER to go to.  We got to the ER and I have never seen things move so fast.  They bypassed triage and took her straight into a room where they had waiting for her techs to do more X-rays, another EKG and more lab works,  within 20 minutes all the tests were done and she had been administered zofran and we were just sitting there now waiting for more results.  Less then an hour later the doctor was telling us that her lung X-ray was now clear, her blood sugar was normal and the only thing she suspects is a UTI but those labs would take a few more days.  She sent us home with an antibiotic and zofran (I love zofran.  It’s such a magical pill when it comes to nausea and throwing up.)

The first day of school started on Monday and we decided to keep her home for the first couple of  days as she continued to recover.  She still had no bladder control, but we were assuming that was due to the UTI.  And she was exhausted, beyond.  exhausted.  Her poor body had been through so much in the last couples of days.  She just needed to rest.  I had been keeping in contact with her neurologist and her regular doctor since the seizure happened  just so we were all on the same page with information and next steps.  We were all assuming that most of what we were seeing was beside of a UTI and that that’s what caused the grand mal as a well.  On Tuesday we got the results from the urinalysis back and it did. It show that there was a UTI.  Ugh.  This meant something else was going on and that her lack of bladder control was regression and something that would need to be relearned.  The neurologist ordered an EEG to check for seizures wave in her brain, an MRI of her spine and brain and another CT scan (we just did one a couple months back) to check for brain damage from the 20+ minutes seizure.  More tests.  More waiting for results.  

What we know today.....

-Her EEG came back showing seizure waves in her brain.  This is the first time she has ever had an abnormal brain scan of any kind.  What does this mean? She will have more grand mals.  But wait, you said she has epilepsy so wasn’t that already a given?  Yes and no.  Her seizures are usually complex partial seizures which basically looks like she is a day dreaming.  99% of the time we don’t even realize she is having them.  Even after her last gran mal 7 years ago, which lasted about 10 minutes, her EEG came back normal so the fact that we are getting an abnormal EEG now means recurrence of grand mals will happen.  We normally can tell when a grand mal is going to happen but this one came with no warning signs except that she was super aggressive with her brother, which isn’t a normal warning sign.  So we are now more prepared for recurrence.  We have emergency meds on hand, a seizure plan in place at school and have told those who around Gillian a lot what to do if she has another one and how to administer her emergency meds.  This was we can, hopefully, stop the seizure quicker which is easier on her brain and body and will keep us out of the ER.

-Her CT came back normal which is good.

-Her MRI came back with two findings.  1)The left side of her brain is underdeveloped.  They consider this an “incidental finding” and say that, basically, it’s no big deal and nothing to worry about.  2)There is a calcification on the right frontal lobe of her brain.  Where it is is a spot that could cause seizures.  They need to do ore checking on this so next month we go in for another MRI and they will be injecting die into the arteries and veins that surround this calcification to check for blood flow.  This will, hopefully, give us more information on how to proceed or if we even need to do anything.  

-We are watching her right hand which has had some muscles issues since after the seizures.  Neurologist said that the longer the seizure is the longer it takes for your body to recover. So it could take a month or so for everything to go back to her normal. If it doesn’t get better we will try some physical therapy.

-Bladder control is hit and miss.  This is just something we my have to live with the rest of her life but we keep hoping and praying that it gets better.

I know this was a long post but wanted to get you all up to date because you have been so kind in asking how Gillian is doing.  God has truly blessed us in this time and in the midst of all the tests and waiting and worrying I forced myself to sit and write down the list of blessings and there were many....

-It didn’t happen at home.  No one would have heard her at home at the outcome would have been much different.

-Friends who stayed up all night praying for us and checking in on us.

-Howie was there when it happened.  The last one I was home alone with the kids.  

-Our amazing kids who sat in a hospital waiting room all night long and never complained  once. 

-Family bonding time in the midst of a traumatic event.

-A hotel room that fit seven firefighters, two EMTs and five Howards.

-Kaiser and their computer system that links all their facilities together so I don’t have to explain all of Gillian’s diagnoses every time we go in.

-Kaiser nurses.  We had about six different nurses over that traumatic weekend. And each one was absolutely amazing and loved us well and took great care of Gillian.

-Primary and secondary insurance that takes care of everything so we don’t have to worry about medical bills.

-Friends who brought us delicious dinners and treats for Gillian.

-My special needs mom group who gets the lingo and the worry and the juggling of life amidst the chaos.

-Prayers, phone calls, texts, FB and Instagrams messages from so many amazing people.  We never felt alone and always felt loved and cared for. 

-The Howard 5.  I am beyond proud of my family and how we all came together and got done what needed to be done while waiting for the paramedics to show up, after they came, packing up a hotel room and not forgetting one thing while I was in the ambulance with Gillian, and so much more.  They really are all amazing people whom I love with all my heart.

-I know there’s a million more little blessings that I overlooked because God is just that amazing.  

The Grandest Mal of Them All -Part One

The day started off earlier than a normal Friday would.  My husband’s annual work gathering was the next day at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk.  Since it fell on Gillian’s birthday this year we decided to make a fun event of the whole thing just for her, which meant a night in a hotel because she loves hotels.  So that Friday morning Nolan and I got up at 4:00 a.m. so we could take Howie to the train station to catch the train in to work and the kids and I would pick him from work that night and head off to the hotel which was about 20 minutes away.  The drive over to the Bay Area to pick up Howie was terrible.  The traffic was crazier then normal and I was tired because I’d been up since 4:00 that morning. (I’m normally not an early riser.  Anything before 6:00 a.m. is not okay with me or my body.). The traffic starts to pick up a little when all of a sudden I notice a commotion happening right in front of us.  I see cars veering off the road every which way and lots of dust.  In the 5 seconds I had to respond I thought of a million things.  I calmly told the kids to hang on because I was certain that we were going to get hit from some direction. My defensive driving training kicked in and I knew we’d fair better if we were hit from behind as opposed to ending up in whatever was happening ahead of us.  Fortunately 5 seconds later we made it through the whole ordeal unscathed and continued driving along with everyone else, never really seeing what the aftermath of all the commotion even was.  The kids went back to doing whatever it was they were doing.  I was shaking and stressed to the max on the inside,  “Oh my gosh, what if we ended up in a pile up?  What if something happened to my kids? My kids!”  I could feel the tears wanting to come out but didn’t want to scare the kids so I held it together and silently talked to God.  It was such a good conversation.  “God, I get it, I am not in control of my kids lives and their futures.  You, Lord, already know the number of their days and nothing I do can change that.  You know what is best for them better than I ever could.”  And in that moment I released my kids to God taking the burden of controlling it all off of my shoulders.   It was such a freeing moment.  It was a moment filled with an amazing amount of peace.  It immediately made me feel more love for God and more love for my kids.  

We continued our drive over to the Bay Area with no more excitement. Phew.  We did a little last minute back to school shopping before we had to pick Howie up from work.  Gillian was in a bad mood.  She didn’t want to shop, she just wanted to go to the hotel because that’s what we were there to do in her mind.  As we shopped she kept pushing and hitting Nolan for no reason at all,  I was getting very frustrated with her and we didn’t get much shopping done.  Finally it was time to get Howie and head to the hotel.  I figured this would make Gillian happy and she’d start being nice to her poor brother who had been beaten up by her all day.  

We were together as a family finally.....reunited and it feels so good!  Lol. We checked into the hotel and Gillian seemed much happier.  We were all hungry so off to dinner we went.  Dinner was nice and uneventful. Yay!  After dinner we noticed a yummy fro yo place near by so we walked over there for an after dinner treat.  As we were ordering Gillian decided to smack her brother yet again.  Sigh.  I was beyond my boiling point with this adult child now and was so happy that her dad was there to deal with it this time.  We got our treats and sat outside and enjoyed them and then headed back to the hotel where everyone was happy and having fun.  We all sat on the couch that pulled out into a bed and watched tv.  Most of us were falling asleep so we all ended up heading to bed early.  Howie and I headed off into the separate bedroom and the three kiddos snuggled in for the night on the pull out couch.

10:15 p.m. I hear Emma yelling something as she runs into our room. “Mom!  Somethings wrong with Gillian!  She’s making funny noises.”  I jump out of bed and wake Howie up as I run into the other room to see what’s happening.  As I turn the corner I see Gillian in full grand mal seizure mode.  We get her onto her side as she is foaming at the mouth quite a lot and we don’t want her to choke.  In my mind I keep reminding myself to stay calm.  Nolan is still sound asleep just a couple feet from Gillian so I tell Emma to wake him and take him into the other room so he doesn’t see what’s going on.  She knows this drill, sadly she’s had to do it before.  A few minutes go by and the seizing stops but she’s still stiff as a board and unconscious.  Howie and I look at each other.  “Do we call 911?”, I ask.  In the moment it took for him to start forming an answer she starts seizing again and his answer changes immediately,”Yes, let’s call 911.”  I go into robot get it done mode.  But, oh shoot, how do you call 911 from a hotel room phone.  Ugh!  I call the front desk and tell them we need an ambulance immediately and they take care of the rest.  Howie is continuing to hold Gillian on her side while she’s still seizing.  I’m running into the bedroom to throw some clothes on, keeping an eye on the clock to time the seizure,  while telling Emma what is happening and to keep her brother in the bedroom so he doesn’t freak out.  The 911 dispatcher calls the room and asks me what’s going on.  I fill her in, Gillian stops seizing again but she is still foaming at the mouth and she’s stiff as a board and unconscious .  Her breathing is very shallow.  Howie doesn’t leave her side at all.  Finally we hear the sirens outside the hotel and within minutes our room is filled with seven firemen.  Howie moves down to sit at Gillian’s legs and still won’t leave her side.  I stand above her and start spouting out the list of everything the first responders need to know....

19 year old female with CP, intellectual disabilities and a history of epilepsy.  She has been seizing on and off for for over 10 minutes.  Foaming at the mouth, stiff as a board and unconscious between seizing.  Her last grand mal was 7 years ago.  Her seizures normally present themselves us complex partial seizures.   She has had a runny nose for the past 48 hours but no other symptoms of being sick, no fever, no lethargy.  Her CP is left hemiparatic and only affects her mentally and not physically.  

The poor guy could barely keep up with all the stats I was giving him.  I was in special needs mom mode and I didn’t want to waste any time with him asking questions.  Gilly was still laying there totally stiff and unconscious.  I was at her head now stroking her hair and whispering in ear, as I always do when she has seizures, “we are right here Gilly.  We love you Gilly.  You’re going to be okay.  We are right here Gilly.  We love you Gilly.  You are going to be okay.”  The ambulance finally arrived and two EMTs joined the party of seven firemen in our room.  “How are her stats?”, I asked.  “Her heart rate is elevated but her temp is normal and everything looks okay.  If she starts to seize again do you give us permission to gve her meds?”. I responded immediately, didn’t need time to thing this one over, “yes! Definitely.”.  They load her onto the gurney as I’m trying to grab all my stuff to go with her and Howie and I are deciding if he should just pack up and the room and come to the hospital or leave everything there and we can come back later and continue with our regular plans of a fun weekend.  Then I hear nine first responders yell out, “she’s seizing again!”.  As I look over to Gillian on the gurney in the doorway of the room I see her arm go flailing to the side and hit the door.   One of the firemen is trying to get her arm back down inside the gurney so they can get her into the hallway where the EMT is now waiting to push meds to stop the seizing.  I look at my clock...20 minutes.  This has been going on for more then 20 minutes now.  Howie and I look at each other as I’m running out of the room following Gillian and we don’t even have to discuss it he just says, “I’ll pack it all up and we will see you at the hospital”. 

The meds kicked in before we were even in the ambulance.  She was now laying there peacefully.  Her body has relaxed, she wasn’t seizing, and there was no more foam coming out of her mouth.  She looked like she was sleeping.  “Deep breathes, Caroline, just keep taking deep breathes and stay calm .  You got this.”  The EMT interrupted my thoughts, “The hospital here in Santa Clara is on red flag which means we have to go somewhere else,  Do you want to go to San Jose, Fremont or ???”  (I can’t remember what my last choice was).  “Is she stable enough to go further away?”, I asked.   He said, “yes”.  “Which one is the closest?”, I asked not really able to think straight at the moment.  “We are actually, literally smack dab in the middle of all three.”  Geesh, this guy was no help at all.   “What are my choices again?”, I asked because, come on, like I was supposed to actually remember.  I thought he was just going to answer the questions for me.  “San Jose, Fremont or ???”  I thought each name for a split second and then blurted out, “Fremont, that’s like a second home” without even giving it a second thought.  Howie has worked In Fremont for a year and a half now and I’ve spent a lot of time over there in that year and a half and it has become more familiar and home like.  After making that decision I felt myself exhale and relax.  The ambulance pulled away from the hotel and we were on our way to the hospital.  It was now 10:45.  Just 30 short minutes since this whole ordeal started, yet it felt like it had been hours......

Soul Healing-The End

    It took me close to 4 months to read Judah Smith’s, “How’s Your Soul”.  I would read until something struck me deep and then I would stop and chew on that thing for as long as I needed for it to sink deep and God to show me what He wanted me to get out of that piece.  Some days I could get through a whole page or more before I had to stop.  Some days I couldn’t even make it past the first sentence in the paragraph and I would have to close the book and just sit with God and chew and wrestle.  That book followed me all through the house.  From my night stand, to my desk, to the kitchen and everywhere in between. Everyday when I would I walk by the book, I’d see the title on the cover and it was if God was asking me that question each time, “Hey Caroline, how’s your soul?”.  For the first few months my reply was, “not so great, but hey, thanks for asking” (for those who know me well, you know this was said with much sarcasm).  Yes, I would actually talk to the book.  No, it never talked back.  Rude book.  During the last month and throughout the last few chapters that answer slowly started to change.  I started to respond, “Well actually, my soul is feeling a bit better today.”.  And as I finished up the book and my 18 month period of God pulling me away from everything and resting my soul and teaching me, my answer became, “It’s doing pretty darn great. Thanks for asking!” (This time without the sarcasm).   I love how God used this random book that literally somehow just fell into my lap, to grow me closer to Him, to sanctify me, to rest my soul.

    “For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart I will be found by you”, declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.  I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”  Jeremiah 29:11-14

    Oh how this verse was an anchor for my soul to cling to during my 18 month healing journey.  I constantly had to remind myself that God had a plan for me.  He has great things for my future.  I knew deep down in my aching soul that God was not finished working on me or using me for His kingdom yet.  I didn’t have to know what His next steps for me were going to be.  I just needed to trust His word that the steps would be to give me hope and a future.  He called me to seek Him, not just for a little awhile, but constantly,  not just partially, but with my whole heart.  And when I seek Him, I find Him.  I find Him sitting patiently waiting for me to turn my focus off of myself and on to Him.  Oh how sweet it is to be so loved by God.  

    How’s your soul today, my friends?  Is God calling you into a time of rest and healing?  Are you kicking and screaming and arguing with Him about it or are you heeding His call and taking the time to rest?   One of the most important things that I have learned is that soul rest is not a one and done thing.  It is something that needs to be ongoing.  I have learned the importance of taking the time out of my crazy life to stop and rest my soul and seek God with my whole heart so that I don’t lose sight of Him and His plan for my life.  

    It has been almost 2 years since God called me away from ministry and counseling.  He has done so much in me through this 2 year period.  Looking back I wish I wouldn’t have fought Him so much on it all, but you live and learn and grace...He always has an abundance of grace to pour over me.  Over the last few months God called me out of my time of rest and has given me my marching orders. It has been a whirlwind the last few months and I can’t wait to share with you all what He has in store!  But, you will have to wait until next week.  Hahaha I know that’s not very nice of me, but I am still working on the finishing touches and want to get those done before I let the cat out of the bag.  In the meantime, go grab yourself a cup of tea or coffee or a Dr. Pepper and spend some time with God answering the question, “how’s my soul?”.

Soul Healing-The Middle

To be honest, I didn’t even know that my soul needed healing.  I didn’t even realize just how damaged it was.  God knew, though, and He was pushing me straight into this much needed time of soul healing.  About this time He brought a book into my life, “How’s Your Soul” by Judah Smith.  As I started reading the book I wasn’t thinking too much of it.  A lot of it was stuff I already knew said in a different way.  As I kept reading it kept sinking deeper and deeper within me.  It was like God was very slowly taking off blinders that were on my soul.  Well, at least at first I though it was blinders but what it actually was were bandaids and gauze and medical tape and all the stuff I had been slapping on my aching soul without even realizing it.  As the bandages were coming off the real pain started settling in.  The realization that I had neglected my soul for awhile now and it was a mess had hit me smack dab in the center of my face.  This was good though because admitting you have a problem is the first step, right?  Right. I had a problem.  My soul was in dire need of rest and healing.  

The next few months of my 18 month healing process brought about forgiveness.  There were people I had let down and people that I had hurt and I had to confess and repent to them and ask for forgiveness.  Some were close friends, some were people I had worked with and some were merely acquaintances and some were family members like my husband and children who I had neglected.  Asking for forgiveness is a very humbling experience, but an experience that draws you to closer to God and into deeper relationships with the people you ask to forgive you.  In our family you aren’t aloud to just say “sorry”.  You have to specifically name what you are asking for forgiveness for.  Confession is specific.  It’s so much easier to just “I’m sorry” and run off (I have a 7 year old and he loves to do it this way).  It takes God working in you and your heart to be specific about the sin that you have committed against another person.  

There were also people that had hurt me that may never ask for forgiveness but I had to forgive them anyways so I that could move forward in my healing.  Did you know that you don’t have to wait for someone to ask for forgiveness before you give it?  Sometimes, a lot of times, people don’t even realize that they have offended you so how are they even supposed to know that they need to ask for forgiveness?  If you sit there, though, and just brood over the fact that this person has sinned against you and think that you will just sit around and wait for them to ask for forgiveness, all the while you are becoming more and more bitter towards them, then all you are really doing is just ending up in sin yourself.  That’s not healthy at all.  We need to forgive those that have sinned against us just as Jesus did.  He didn’t wait for every person on the earth to come and ask for forgiveness before He died on the cross.  He forgave our sins while we were still sinning!  Romans 5:8,”But God demonstrates His own love towards us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

Once I was able to give and receive the forgiveness that needed to happen  I felt this immense  weight lifted off of my shoulders.  Unforgiveness can really do a number on you.  It leads to bitterness if you hold on to it to long and that bitterness becomes an amazing stronghold for satan.  He loves to come in there and turn your thoughts upside down so that you end up just thinking hateful, angry things. Which is the exact opposite of what forgiveness is.  Asking for forgiveness cleaned my side of the street and got me right with God.  It brings us to a place of humility before God and the person we have sinned against.  Giving forgiveness to people doesn’t mean we are excusing what they did it means we are choosing to move forward in healing the hurt that was done to us.  It sheds the bitterness from our hearts and frees us from Satan’s stronghold.  

     After I walked through this time of forgiveness, the only thing that I had left to do was sit with Jesus and heal.   This was so very hard for me.  I wanted to get back out there and get back into ministry work.   I wanted to reach out to other’s and see how I could help them.  But God kept telling me “no”.  My prayers became focused on asking God what He wanted me to do next.  What opportunity did He have waiting for me just around the corner.  How did He want me to get ready for it.  His answers always focused on telling me, once again, that all He wanted from me right now was to sit quietly with Him and rest and heal my soul.  Just be still.   Well, obviously I’m not very good at doing that so this was a hard lesson for me.  

     Journal entry from 6 months into the healing process: “Not sure what I need to write about today.  I miss teaching people about the gospel.  I love spending time in God’s Word learning and researching and writing notes that God then turns into a lesson to teach myself and others. I love the feeling of the Holy Spirit working in me and through me as I speak His words. I can’t help but wonder when I’ll get to do it again. I won’t say “IF” because I can’t imagine God giving me the gift of teaching and then not using it. 

   

    In my studies lately I have learned so much about how wrongly I handled things in the past.  At times I start to beat myself down again with thinking “I wish I would have done that differently.”  But again, I need to remember Christ’s words of “Forgetting what is behind me and moving forward to what lies ahead of me.” (Philippians 3:13). How will I become a better leader moving forward? How will I not allow my self-loathing to affect me moving forward?  How will I handle people pulling me down moving forward?  How will I stand up for myself moving forward?  I cannot change the past. No amount of dwelling on it or replaying the events differently in my head will change it. I can, however, learn from it and take what I learn and move forward with it. This is what I choose to do.”

    I finally gave in and stopped trying to push my will on God and accepted His will of sitting in silence with Him and focused on healing.   This time of healing involved digging deeper into my soul and really understanding why the past hurts and self doubt got to me so much.  It involved growing up a little, maturing.  It was a time for me to focus on me, something I was horrible at doing but something that I so desperately needed to figure out how to do.   I had to learn to become okay with going into my room and shutting everyone and everything else out so I could rest in the Word, or literally rest while watching Netflix, or going and getting my nails done without feeling guilty about doing something for myself.   I know it sounds silly, but it was hard for me to be self-focused like that.   Over the months I have seen and felt the positive impact that comes from me taking the time to be “selfish”.  It makes me less grumpy, less tired.  It makes my heart happier when I do serve others because I have taken the time to refill myself.  Before I was working off of fumes.  I was constantly pouring out of my soul but not taking the time to refill my soul.   Have you ever been driving when you ran out of gas?  The car starts to make puttering sounds as it slowly creeps to a dead stop.  You just pray that it makes it to the gas station before it completely stops, otherwise you’ll have to get out and push it.   That was me.  I was starting to putter, but I didn’t even realize it.  God, in all His infinite wisdom and His amazing grace pushed me over to the gas tank (Himself) and began to fill me back up.  At first it felt like it was taking forever for the gas to pump.  You know how it is when you get that pump that you swear it’s just dripping gas into your tank one little drop at a time and you watch the numbers turn ever so slowly and think that you’ll be there pumping gas for the rest of your life?  Ya, that’s how I was feeling.  But the longer I stood there, still, getting filled by Jesus the more comfortable I got there and the more I enjoyed it.  I fell in love with the time of sitting at His feet and being with Him and being in the quiet....