Walking On Eggshells

     We’ve all had that person in our life, right?  You know, the one that you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around. You tiptoe around conversations in hopes of avoiding setting them off.  You think really hard about what you want to say so that you don’t end up getting their wrath upon you for saying the wrong thing.  Being around them is super stressful and you try to avoid it at all cost. Did someone in particular just pop into your head?  You know who they are even though they have no clue that they are that person.  It sucks having someone like that in your life. Especially when you are told that you can’t say or do certain things around them so you don’t set them off. Especially when you realize that everyone that comes in contact with this person is walking on eggshells too. It’s exhausting and annoying and stressful.  Who wants a life lived walking on eggshells?  Been there, done that, got the t-shirt,  not planning on going back thank you very much. 

      Now here’s a shocker.... my kids don’t always speak kindly to one another.  Wait, let me rephrase that.  My kids rarely speak kindly to one another.  My youngest two know how to push each other’s buttons like professionals playing a poker slot machine. They love to tell each other no when asked for something by the other.  When asked to not do something by the other they for some reason think it’s Opposite Day and do it anyway.  I am often saying, “respect the ask”  and  “respect the no”.  I am rarely heard.  I can hear all you parents out there shaking your heads because you know exactly what I’m talking about.  It’s annoying as heck isn’t it?  

     Gillian gets involved in this too. They both know how to push her buttons as well. The other day in the car she had a Starbucks and Emma asked for a drink and Gillian told her “no”.  Then Nolan asked for a drink and well because he’s Nolan she said “of course!” and gave him a drink. This irritated Emma and cracked Nolan up.  Well Nolan being the clever boy that he is asked Gillian if he could hold her Starbucks and she happily obliged.  He then proceeded to hand it to Emma so she could get a drink. Nolan and Emma were both cracking up hysterically at his cleverness and Gillian was pissed and immediately ripped her drink out of Emma’s hands. I have to admit, it was very clever and kind what he had done, but I had to point out that he did not respect Gillian’s no and he wasn’t to do it again.  Remember how I said I was rarely heard?  Ya.  He did it again and this time Gillian was furious when she went to grab her drink back and of course it ended up all over the car and crazy mom came out with her fire and fury.  “Why would you do that again?!  Why would you push her buttons like that?  This is exactly why I told you to not do it!”  Nolan and Emma both had grumpy looks on their faces. I could tell that they were so irritated that this sister of theirs was causing issues again and they felt like they were being blamed for it. 

      The fire and fury subsided after a few minutes and  everyone in the car was completely quiet.  I suddenly started having flashbacks to being around my eggshell person.  The feelings I felt inside were horrible.  I hated walking on eggshells and now it sounds like I’m making my kids walk on eggshells around their sister so as to not set her off.  I don’t want to do this to my kids. I don’t want them to feel this way.  Breath.  Just breath. Calm down and rethink this.   You are not going to allow your kids to have an eggshell childhood. No one wants to live in that fear.   No kid wants those kinds of memories. 

      I finally calmed down and talked like a sane parent to my kids. “You guys, I’m sorry for losing my cool.  I know it sounds like I’m asking you to walk on eggshells around your sister so she doesn’t freak out.  That’s not at all what I am asking. I’m asking that we all respect each other and what each person is saying.  I’m asking that when Nolan tells you no to something Emma you don’t get all offended and selfish but that you respect his no. Nolan, I’m asking that when Emma tells you to stop doing something that instead of being mean and continue doing it, you respect her ask and stop.  I’m asking that we all respect each other and each other’s words.  I’m also asking that when we know someone is in a bad mood or having a bad day we show some grace to them and love on them instead of pushing their buttons and making them mad.  I’m not getting mad here because you upset Gillian, I’m mad because you don’t respect each other and treat one another kindly.  So please please please know that I am not at all asking you to walk on eggshells when you’re around Gillian. I’m asking us all to respect one another. Does that make sense?”  As I spoke I could see their faces become less irritated.  I could see their anger soften and understanding coming through.  They both nodded their heads that they got what I was saying and then they both apologized to Gillian. 

       I don’t ever want my kids to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around their special needs sister or around each other.  I don’t want them to live in fear of setting her off. I don’t want them to think they have to have that kind of responsibility. I do want my kids to know that they have to respect people’s words and treat people kindly and extend grace to one another when necessary.  Their actions and words are their responsibility and that is what I want them to remember from their childhood when they are adults.  

The Real Vacation- Finale

      As soon as Gillian realized the “stuff” was gone she came after me. She always come after me first. I’m the one she spends the most time with so I’m her safety person.  She was all up in my face asking where her stuff was.  My heart was racing and my breathing was short.  “I don’t know how I am going to deal with this”.  Howie came into the room and pulled her out and War World 5 started.  The kids and I stayed in the bedroom and shut the door while Howie worked on defusing the bomb, I mean Gillian, in the other room.  It was a tense stand-off that lasted almost 20 minutes.  Once we could safely leave the room we gathered up our bags and headed to the car and took off for the beach. The whole way there all we heard from Gillian was “where’s my blanket. Where’s my pillow. Where’s my Santa picture. Where’s my lipstick. Where’s my purse. Where’s my umbrella. Where’s my phone.” Over and over and over and over and over again.  She was a broken record.  There was also spitting and stomping going on in the back seat.  We made sure the doors were locked and the window locks were in place because you never know with her.

     We got to the beach and got all of our chairs and the blanket set out. Gillian sat in the chair next me, Emma sat on the blanket and the boys went for a walk down the beach. I exhaled. This was nice and I just knew Gillian was going to be happy because she loves the beach.   We could finally all relax and enjoy our time together as a family.  “Gillian don’t throw the sand”. “Gillian stop spitting”. Dang it, I exhaled to soon!   Next thing I know she has taken the two largest handfuls of sand known to man and thrown them all over Emma.  Then she gets up and throws her chair across the beach.   Fortunately, the boys were close enough for me to call them back to help out. We got Gillian calmed down again and then helped Emma get the sand out of her hair, off her back, shoulders and neck and out of her purse.  We decided to have a bit of a laugh over this one because my motto is “you either laugh or cry” and at this point in our trip we had done way too much crying. So we laughed. 

    I felt so bad for Emma and  I decided that she and I needed to take a stroll down the beach by ourselves.  Off we went. This was nice. This was calm. This was quiet. I love spending one on one time with this child of mine. I think we walked about 30 feet before I heard Gillian screaming at me from behind. “Wait!  Wait!  Come back!  Stop right now!”  Then I hear Howie, “You have a stalker. You’d better run!”  I looked at Emma, we both smiled and I said “run!”. So Emma and I took off running down the beach cracking up laughing with Gillian running behind trying to catch up.  We didn’t get very far because it’s really hard to run fast when you are laughing hysterically. Gillian got so mad that she walked into the water and got all wet and almost lost her shoes.  “Reality discipline” is what my friend called it!  We had a good laugh over Gillian’s tantrum this time. I think that’s what we all needed.  

      We ended up walking the beach together as a family and enjoying ourselves.  We were able to go have lunch without any craziness and decided it would be best to skip the park and head home early after all the Wars we had fought.  The ride home was peaceful and full of great music and singing. We came exhausted but we came home as a family that continues to walk the journey together relying on Christ to get us through each crazy moment of every crazy day. 

      This, my friends, was the Real Vacation. The behind the scenes of all those happy vacation pictures.  The moments between the smiles for the camera. Isn’t it funny how we all do that?  (It actually isn’t funny at all. It’s sad) It’s like wmhen you are yelling at your kids and then the phones rings and you answer it sounding like mother Theresa.  “Hello.  Oh hi!  How are you?  I’m doing great. Life is wonderful. Thanks for asking”. You hang up the phone and the exorcist comes back out at your kids.  The next time you look at someone’s happy social media photos just remember that you only have to smile for a split second to get that photo.  

-My sweet daughter Emma and I with a photobomb by Nolan-

The Real Vacation- Part 3

(Who knew that a 24 hour trip to Monterey could turn into a 4 part mini series?!)

    Everyone woke up in a decent mood on Sunday. (I say decent because we do have a teenager and we all know how they can be in the mornings. Especially when their little brother wakes them up by jumping on the bed that they are sharing.). Our plan for the day was to hit up the breakfast buffet at the hotel, then head to the beach in Carmel, have lunch at Cannery Row Brewing Company, followed by a couple hours of play time at Dennis the Menace Park and then we would head home.  Everyone was showered and dressed and Howie and Nolan had walked across the street and got Starbucks for Emma and I while we were getting ready so we were all in great moods now. It was now time to walk downstairs for breakfast.  

    World War 4- the battle between the quilt and pillow and Gillian had begun.  We sent the other two kids downstairs to the safety of the breakfast buffet while Howie and I began hostage negotiations. 5 minutes later we were walking out the door without the quilt and pillow! We won! Woohoo! We kick butt at this parenting stuff! That’s right, who’s your mama who’s your daddy!!  We are awesome!!! Ya!!! 

    Umm...not so fast.   I sat her down at the table the other two kids had saved for us and walked over to grab a plate to get her food.  Next thing I knew Gillian was running after me stomping, spitting and yelling.  Just picture how a 2 year old throws a tantrum in public.  We all see that and chuckle because we’ve “been there done that”.  Well when a 19 year old does it in public no one chuckles.  It’s quite awkward. Quite humiliating. I’m often surprised (and thankful) that people don’t call security on her or me.  I walked over and grabbed her arm and kept her as close to me as possible while walking through the buffet line to get her food. I got her back to the table and got her situated and tried to get back up to go get my food but she wasn’t  having any of that. So my wonderful husband brought  me bacon. All is now almost right in the world.        

      We manage to get through the rest of breakfast without any more drama and I was eventually able to go get my own plate of food by myself. I really just needed more of that bacon!  As we were finishing up the last of our food Howie declares that he will be taking away all of Gillian’s “stuff” when we get back to the room.  He’s done with it. It causes too much drama and she’s like an addict and it needs to be ripped away from her. Emma, Nolan and I freaked out even though I knew he was totally right. None of us wanted to deal with the backlash that would come from this.  It took a lot of convincing, but in the end we all agreed that ripping everything from the clutches of her hands was best. Howie ran up ahead of us to the room to hide the quilt and pillow in his bag.  She had been taking about it nonstop all through breakfast and couldn’t wait to get back up to the room to have it. Oh boy, was she in store for a big surprise!.......to be continued. 

The Real Vacation- Part 2

     After dealing with a Gillian battle I usually have a headache and am completely exhausted. But we are on vacation and we are going to have fun even if I have to force it, gosh darn it!  I often forget that I’m not the only one experiencing the Gillian’s anxiety attacks in the family.  I don’t realize that the aftermath of the tornado that just went through affects all 4 of us (Howie, Emma and Nolan).  So here we are at one of our favorite restaurants in Monterey and I’m trying to make everyone have a good time and smile for pictures at dinner and they are all grumpy.  That made me grumpier and I lost it.  I gave them all a piece of my mind that I didn’t have to spare. I wanted them to feel bad for not being happy. I wanted them to know that they were ruining the family trip that I had planned to make them all happy. I wanted them to know that I was not happy. I finished saying what was on my mind and we finished our pizza in silence and went back to the hotel and I went into our room and shut the door and cried.  I was done.  

    Thank God I have an extremely patient and loving husband who didn’t get mad at me or judge me, but instead came into the room and let me cry and unleash all that I was feeling.   “I’m done. I’m spent. I can’t parent this child any longer. I don’t want to be her parent any longer.  I just want to run away.”  He let me go on and on for a long time. No judgment. No anger. No telling me I was wrong for how I was feeling. None of that. He just listened and understood. He got it.  He gets it.He lives this life of a special needs parent too.  Saying what I was feeling out loud made me feel better. So much better.  I went out to the living room area and apologized to my kids (Emma and Nolan) for my behavior and made sure they both knew that none of this was their fault. Emma apologized for being grumpy at dinner and I apologized to her, for about the millionth time this year, that she had to live this life with her sister. She always responds with, “Its okay mom.  I’m so sorry that you have to deal with so much with her.”  To which my reply is always, “I don’t ever want you to feel like I don’t have anything left for you. I always do and I always will.”  These are the moments that I know I would never have with Emma if we didn’t have a special needs child. She and I would not have the close knit relationship that we have if it wasn’t for Gillian.  For that I am oh so very grateful.  

    We ended the evening with four of us sitting on the very small hotel room couch together while watching Spider-Man. Gillian laid on her bed next to the couch and fell fast asleep. She was exhausted. This poor adult child  of mine has no control over her anxiety or her body or her emotions. My heart was happy and aching all at the same time....... to be continued.

*A couple of the forced smiles pictures*

-The Hubs and Nolan-

-Me and Gillian-

The Real Vacation- Part 1

    We went to Monterey over the Christmas break because Gillian, our 19 year old special needs child/adult, had been asking to go to the ocean for awhile now.  I posted lots of great photos on Instagram and FB. Of course, I only posted the ones that made it look like we had a great time. A friend even made the comment, “It looks like you had a great time”.  I laughed at that because earlier in the day I sent this picture of me to one of my closest friends and said, “Me. Sitting on the beach. Going crazy. Gillian is spitting.  Gillian just threw sand at  Emma.”  Then I sent her a picture of me and Gillian all smiley and said, “But I can put this pic on FB so my life looks calm and perfect.”  

And that’s what I did and that’s what everyone thought, but that was far from the truth.  Here’s how the weekend really went....

    Gillian is obsessed with her “stuff” right now which includes: a quilt, a pillow, an umbrella, a purse, a picture of Santa, a tube of lipstick, headphones, an iPod, at least 4 bandaids on her fingers and at least 3 pieces of gum in her mouth.  She knows what her “stuff” is and if she is misses one of those items she freaks. She stresses out, spits, yells, stomps and tears things apart until she finds the missing item.  We decided to let her bring all her “stuff” along on our trip so that it would be more peaceful. Backfired!  After getting all situated in our hotel room we decided to go get dinner at Gianni’s.  We start to leave the room and Gillian has all her “stuff” in tow. Normally we let her bring everything but the quilt and pillow out of the house so naturally we told her she had to leave those things in the hotel room. World War 3 broke out. I was shoved and almost knocked over as she tried to grab these items  back from me. Spit started to fly, yelling started to happen and feet were stomping.  No this is not the motions to the newest line dancing craze. This is Gillian unleashing her anxiety. This is when our other two kids are told to leave the room and find someplace safe to be until we get her under control.  This is when I muster up any strength I have left to get her to sit down and calm down.  This is usually at least a ten minute process.  We finally left the hotel room and she had the quilt and pillow in her arms. We weren’t going to win the battle against this adult child’s anxiety this time. Fortunately she was willing to leave it in the car when we got to the restaurant but she was stressed to the max about it. 

    We walked in and Gillian, Nolan and I sat at a table while Howie and Emma went to order the food.  I took these moments to grab Gillian’s hands and pray for her and over her and with her and for me.  I pray this prayer often with her lately as her severe anxiety disorder has completely consumed her life and ours. “Dear Lord, please meet me here in this place right now. Please wash your peace over this child and take away her anxiousness. Lord, I know she knows you and has you in her heart, I ask that your Holy Spirit would pour his fruits out of her. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control.  Let these fruits pour out of me as well, Lord.  Give me the strength and wisdom I need to help this child.  Help her, God.  Please help her. Let her be comfortable in her skin. Let her fear nothing.  Let her just have peace.  Oh how she needs peace.  Thank you for getting us through another battle. Thank you for being here with us and never leaving us.  Amen.”

    I know she feels bad.  She gives me a big hug and a kiss and I tell her how much I love her and how sorry I am for getting so upset at her. I know she doesn’t really get my apologies but that doesn’t mean I keep them from her.  The rest of the family rejoins us and we finally sit in peace as a family for a moment......to be continued.