This morning was a rough one with Gillian. The entire last week has been been a swinging pendulum on the rough not rough scale. Today it swung towards rough. The morning started out well. Gillian was in a great mood and excited about the eye doctor appointment we have this afternoon. She loves going to the doctor’s, thank goodness since she’s had to go to so many in her lifetime. We got ready for school without any drama until it was time to actually get in to the car to go. I basically had to drag her to the car. Fun times. When we got in the car she asked for some nuts. ( I always keep bags of nuts in my car for when I get the munchies. Keeps me from driving through somewhere and eating crap.) and so I gave her one of my bags. That kid started shoveling them into her mouth as fast as she could. The whole way to school was filled with shoveling nuts into her mouth followed by spitting.

We pulled up to school and I asked for the bag of nuts back. Well she was not having that at all. She jumps out of the car and goes full on tantrum (you know, stomping, spitting and screaming at me). I grab her by the hand and start dragging her towards the drop off area where all the teachers and paras wait for the kids. She still has the bag of nuts in her hand. I ask for them again and she tells me no. I try to grab them from her (one of the paras is quietly waiting for me to hand her off to her) and get them but then she goes running out into the street where the buses are pulling in and out stomping and screaming. At this point two other paras (one who is the nicest man but will use his brawn if need be and it need be) come running out to get her out of the way of the busses and into the safety of the waiting area. Now she has three paras all around her trying to calm her down and one looks at me and tells me its okay for me to go, they got it.

I start walking away and my emotions just washed over me like a giant tidal wave. “Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry”. I kept walking back to the car where Emma and Nolan were waiting for me to take them to school. As I opened the car door I could feel the first tear start to fall. “Keep it together. Don’t cry.” I get in the car and Nolan says, “I’m sorry you had to do that mommy.” Oh how the floodgates did open. Emma leaned over and hugged me and I just sobbed. She just kept saying, “I’m so sorry you have to deal with this mom.” Once I finally got myself calmed down I told them both that I wasn’t crying for me. I was crying for her. My poor, sweet Gillian who is trapped inside this body of emotions that she doesn’t know how to handle. She doesn’t know how to cope and deal with the everyday pressures of life. She doesn’t know how to communicate with us how she is feeling, or what she is thinking or how we can help her. I weep because I my hurt for and with her. Those tears were cleansing tears. I do not apologize for the tears I cry (Okay, sometimes I do, but I am quickly reminded that there is no need for apologies), they are tears of compassion, tears of pain and always tears of healing.

Jesus wept. These two words give you and me permission to weep, too. We are free to let the tears fall. There is no reason to hold them in. There is no reason to apologize for them when they do start to fall. God will weep with us when we weep, whether they be tears of compassion or tears of pain He weeps with us. Weeping is powerful. Weeping brings healing. God gives us so many promises when it comes to our tears-

Psalm 30:5b, “weeping may stay for the night, but joy comes in the morning.”

Revelation 21:4, “He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”

John 11:35, “Jesus Wept”. It’s the shortest verse in the Bible and for me, at times, has been one of the most powerful. Why was Jesus weeping? He had just spoken with the sisters of his friend who had died. They were mourning. Jesus is full of compassion and felt their suffering. I could go into so much more detail here of why Jesus wept but for now I want to stick with the compassion component. (If you’d like to read a great article on this short, powerful verse go here

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/why-jesus-wept

Jesus hurts when we hurt. He weeps when we weep and yet why is it that when we cry we automatically apologize for crying? Jesus wept without apologizing, so why can’t we?

After I cried those tears in the car this morning I was able to laugh. I got the hurt out and was able to move forward to the joy. Emma, Nolan and I were all able to take a deep breathe and move forward making each other laugh all the way to school. And I know that on this side of Heaven I will shed many more tears and that’s okay, but on the day that God brings me home to be with Him there will be no more tears for eternity. So for now, I thank God for giving me the permission to weep as Jesus wept and I do so unapologetically just like Jesus did.

We’ve all had that person in our life, right? You know, the one that you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around. You tiptoe around conversations in hopes of avoiding setting them off. You think really hard about what you want to say so that you don’t end up getting their wrath upon you for saying the wrong thing. Being around them is super stressful and you try to avoid it at all cost. Did someone in particular just pop into your head? You know who they are even though they have no clue that they are that person. It sucks having someone like that in your life. Especially when you are told that you can’t say or do certain things around them so you don’t set them off. Especially when you realize that everyone that comes in contact with this person is walking on eggshells too. It’s exhausting and annoying and stressful. Who wants a life lived walking on eggshells? Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, not planning on going back thank you very much.

Now here’s a shocker.... my kids don’t always speak kindly to one another. Wait, let me rephrase that. My kids rarely speak kindly to one another. My youngest two know how to push each other’s buttons like professionals playing a poker slot machine. They love to tell each other no when asked for something by the other. When asked to not do something by the other they for some reason think it’s Opposite Day and do it anyway. I am often saying, “respect the ask” and “respect the no”. I am rarely heard. I can hear all you parents out there shaking your heads because you know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s annoying as heck isn’t it?

Gillian gets involved in this too. They both know how to push her buttons as well. The other day in the car she had a Starbucks and Emma asked for a drink and Gillian told her “no”. Then Nolan asked for a drink and well because he’s Nolan she said “of course!” and gave him a drink. This irritated Emma and cracked Nolan up. Well Nolan being the clever boy that he is asked Gillian if he could hold her Starbucks and she happily obliged. He then proceeded to hand it to Emma so she could get a drink. Nolan and Emma were both cracking up hysterically at his cleverness and Gillian was pissed and immediately ripped her drink out of Emma’s hands. I have to admit, it was very clever and kind what he had done, but I had to point out that he did not respect Gillian’s no and he wasn’t to do it again. Remember how I said I was rarely heard? Ya. He did it again and this time Gillian was furious when she went to grab her drink back and of course it ended up all over the car and crazy mom came out with her fire and fury. “Why would you do that again?! Why would you push her buttons like that? This is exactly why I told you to not do it!” Nolan and Emma both had grumpy looks on their faces. I could tell that they were so irritated that this sister of theirs was causing issues again and they felt like they were being blamed for it.

The fire and fury subsided after a few minutes and everyone in the car was completely quiet. I suddenly started having flashbacks to being around my eggshell person. The feelings I felt inside were horrible. I hated walking on eggshells and now it sounds like I’m making my kids walk on eggshells around their sister so as to not set her off. I don’t want to do this to my kids. I don’t want them to feel this way. Breath. Just breath. Calm down and rethink this. You are not going to allow your kids to have an eggshell childhood. No one wants to live in that fear. No kid wants those kinds of memories.

I finally calmed down and talked like a sane parent to my kids. “You guys, I’m sorry for losing my cool. I know it sounds like I’m asking you to walk on eggshells around your sister so she doesn’t freak out. That’s not at all what I am asking. I’m asking that we all respect each other and what each person is saying. I’m asking that when Nolan tells you no to something Emma you don’t get all offended and selfish but that you respect his no. Nolan, I’m asking that when Emma tells you to stop doing something that instead of being mean and continue doing it, you respect her ask and stop. I’m asking that we all respect each other and each other’s words. I’m also asking that when we know someone is in a bad mood or having a bad day we show some grace to them and love on them instead of pushing their buttons and making them mad. I’m not getting mad here because you upset Gillian, I’m mad because you don’t respect each other and treat one another kindly. So please please please know that I am not at all asking you to walk on eggshells when you’re around Gillian. I’m asking us all to respect one another. Does that make sense?” As I spoke I could see their faces become less irritated. I could see their anger soften and understanding coming through. They both nodded their heads that they got what I was saying and then they both apologized to Gillian.

I don’t ever want my kids to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around their special needs sister or around each other. I don’t want them to live in fear of setting her off. I don’t want them to think they have to have that kind of responsibility. I do want my kids to know that they have to respect people’s words and treat people kindly and extend grace to one another when necessary. Their actions and words are their responsibility and that is what I want them to remember from their childhood when they are adults.