Sometimes Reality Bites

This is reality. I’m sitting outside, watching my son swim, trying to enjoy a glass of wine and the nice weather while crying because our few days of calm are over. I got my hopes up again. I hung my hat on the thought that this time what we are doing is actually going to work for the long run. Tears fall. My heart aches. My soul starts spinning back into that black whole that I was just pulling it out from. But I’m exhausted, God. Please, can I just get a month of good to recoup before the crazy starts again? Please, God! This seems to be my daily plea. My flesh wants to run away and never look back. My mind is so beyond exhausted that it takes everything in me to attempt to form a complete sentence to the doctors and then remember the answers. My heart aches in ways I never knew a heart could ache. My body, oh my poor body, it feels like it’s stuck in a perpetual war zone. Always on guard. Always hyper vigilant. Aching from the constant running into battle, the shoulders that are stuck up in my ears because they can’t remember what it’s like to just relax. Where’s my armor? Wait. I’m looking for the wrong armor. I’m preparing for the wrong battle. This is not a battle against flesh and blood. This is a battle against the dark one. The enemy is near! He is trying so hard to tear me down in my time of turmoil. I’m letting him win. I’m practically throwing my arms in the air in surrender! No, God! I must fight. Bring me my armor! I put on my belt of truth reminding myself that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength! I pull over my head and onto my chest the breastplate of righteousness which tells me that I am made whole in Christ! I bend down and buckle my sandals of the gospel of peace as I turn all of my anxiety over to God and replace it with His peace that surpasses all understanding. I pick up my shield of faith and hold it high as I rebuke Satan and his attempts to tear me down. I gentle place the helmet of salvation on my head and declare loudly that I am a child of God. Lastly, the sword of the Spirit is placed within my hands and I am instantly reminded of all of God’s truth