Two Holes

Relationships are tricky. They also take a lot of work if you want them to be healthy and sustainable. Relationships with the opposite sex are, in my opinion, the trickiest.  This is due to the fact that men and women are so different.  Society tells us that in book titles like, “Men are Venus, Women are From Mars”, “Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps”, and “Men are Like Waffles and Women are Like Spaghetti”.  It is like we are from opposite planets and we each have different things we know how to do and what we do not know how to do and one of us is a breakfast item and the other an Italian dinner. At times it is quite comical for sure. These difference, unfortunately, cause quite a few issues when it comes to communication. How do spaghetti and waffles talk to each other? How will the other person ever understand me when they are from a different planet and speak a different language?

I learned about the two holes analogy from my own couple’s therapist. He was helping my husband to understand me and, frankly, all women, a little bit better.  Imagine you have two holes in the ground and you and your spouse have each fallen into separate holes. The holes are exactly the same, you are just each in your own hole. The man looks around his hole and immediately figures out how to get out of the hole and then gets himself out.  He goes over to the woman’s hole and reaches in to help her out and she pulls him in with her.  Obviously the man is very confused.  The woman starts talking about how she feels being in the hole.  She discusses what the hole looks like and her emotions.  When she is done doing that she gets herself out of the hole.  The man, still very confused, gets out as well, scratches his head and wonders what just happened.

There are four ways we think: emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally.  Men tend to think physically and mentally.  They see a problem, they think about how to fix it and then they fix it.  This is what the man in the hole did.  He figured out a way to get himself out of the hole and then got himself out.  He then went to solve the woman’s problem of being in the hole by trying to pull her out.  Women, on the other hand, tend to think more emotionally and spiritually.  They want to talk about how they feel in the situation and what they are experience.  This is what the woman was doing while she was in her hole.  For her it was not all about getting out.  Let me tell you, she knew how to get out.  She figured that our pretty easily.  What she needed, though, was for the man to be in the hole with her and experience the hole and the feelings with her.  This is what women would like to have in their relationships.  They want a man to to not just come into a situation and fix it, but to to stop and and listen to what she is experiencing and what she is feeling. Then she will be ready to get out of the hole.

This is how to build a healthier relationship and connection with the opposite sex.  Men need to be willing to jump down into the hole with the women.  She is not pulling you down into the hole to make you miserable with her.  She is pulling you down into the hole to draw you closer to her because that is how she experiences true connection.  She wants you to know how she is feeling and validate those feelings. Then she will be ready for you to use your mind and your muscles to come in and fix it.

References

Farrel, B., & Farrel, P. (2017). Men are like Waffles--Women are like spaghetti: Understanding and Delighting in Your Differences. Harvest House Publishers.

Gray, J. (1992). Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. https://e-library.poltekbangsby.ac.id/index.php?p=show_detail&id=3996

Pease, B., & Pease, A. (1999). Why men don’t listen & women can’t read maps : how we’re different and what to do about it. https://ci.nii.ac.jp/ncid/BA83996078